Monday, May 4, 2015

Jessica’s Grown-Up Guide to New Beginnings and Being a Grown-Up

Have you ever wanted to run away from home as an adult but didn’t know where to begin? Jessica Morgan from tells you how to start over in this guide outlining the life choices that she definitely, literally made in the book, Secrets.

Jessica Morgan is a 25-year-old heiress to a multi-millionaire dollar corporation, and she doesn't need any of your garbage. You want her to be VP of your company? Tough. You’d like her to serve on the board of directors? Get in line, bucko. She can’t live in a fancy mansion. It’s not her style, brother. She wants a cottage that’s quaint as hell. Step aside and let Jessica pass. She’s a grown-up and she’s about to teach you how to get on her level.

  1. When you turn 25, quit your job as vice president of your father’s company by leaving a vague note telling him you need to go away and live your own life. Make sure to never talk about this with him, or even hint about your lack of desire to be VP, in any of the prior 25 years.
  2. Take $300 in cash with you to start a life of complete financial independence in a new state.
  3. Don’t buy any type of insurance at all. Insurance is pessimistic, and true grown-ups think positively.
  4. Burn all your identification and credit cards, but make sure you don’t decide on an alias until someone asks you your last name.
  5. If you need an alias quickly due to your careful planning in step 4, look around you for inspiration. Objects, professions, even current events are all fair game! Take it from me, Jessica Ceiling Fan September 11th!
  6. Be confident you will run into no issues using a fake name with no corresponding documentation as a public high school teacher.
  7. Immediately crash your car.

    Achievement unlocked! Welcome to grown-up adulthood! It’s that easy!

We Did It! We Did It Wearing Cargo Pants!

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