Tuesday, May 19, 2015

WHISPERS: Lady Boners Are Not Messages From God

What even happens in this book?
Never Google image
"Sexy Whales"
Whispers embodies what I love most about the Glenbrook series, in that post-Secrets, every book focuses on a former B-plot. The name of this B-plot is Teri, the overly preachy, pastor’s daughter you hopefully remember as Jessica's friend from Secrets. In her own story, Teri has flown to Hawaii for a 5 week summer vacation to visit her older sister but also to rekindle the “fireworks” she felt last summer with Whale Scientist Mark. Sadly, as soon as she arrives, she realizes the fireworks are dead, and the only sparks Mark feels are for his whales. Teri calls a spade a spade, and tells Mark she deserves her own whale love. After kicking Mark to the curb, she spends the rest of the trip being courted by two dudes; Scott, the cool jock from her high school who is basically one notch above drifter, and Gordon, a jolly, Australian seminary student and pizza delivery guy, who is possibly suffering from a decade-old TBI. 
Scott's best quality:
Has friend with a boat
Teri OBVIOUSLY chooses sexy Scott and tries to attribute the fireworks in her pants as a sign of God’s will for their relationship. This, unsurprisingly, doesn't work, because sometimes a lady boner is just a lady boner. Teri eventually realizes that she and Scott are not on the same page regarding how important their relationship with God is to their lives. Unfortunately, this happens in a super awkward scene where Teri realizes Scott wants them to move in together before marriage and reacts loudly in a crowded restaurant...while Gordon is their waiter. Also, Mark and his whale girlfriend are there and see the whole thing D: Props to Teri though, as soon as she realizes a relationship won’t be able to give her what she needs, she is gone with a hair flip. Scott’s all like, “Teri, I’m super hot and I want you back” and she’s like, “I’m hot, too. Bye.” 
Like Nicki needs a caption.
After Scott, Teri realizes that God can speak in Whispers and not through pants-sparks-libido-fests and she decides that maybe God wants her to be with the guy who she enjoys spending time with...Gordon. It’s actually pretty darn sweet, and I was genuinely touched when they got to together at the end. Gordon was a really nice guy and Teri just deserves to be happy, okay?! I may have teared up when they reunited at the end. (Angie: I couldn’t stop mentally AWWWWWWing for the last ten pages or so). We were never supposed to feel anything; this blog has gotten out of hand.

There is a lot of questionable behavior in Glenbrook. This is where we judge it all.

1.  Teri and Scott are Both Stage 37 Clingers: After non-exclusively dating Scott for less than five weeks, Teri assumes they are going to get married. Scott, understandably, thinks she crazy, but not before clarifying that he was only wanting her to move in with him, as if this too is somehow not insanely fast. Scott and Teri need an intervention about appropriate pacing of relationships. Also, on a semi-related note, how is the same lady who strong-armed her co-worker into Christianity, okay with a semi-Christian boyfriend?

2.  How Great Thou Art: Teri sings a joyous rendition of How Great Thou Art while hiking alone in Hawaii. This is ridiculous because everyone knows the only time to sing How Great Thou Art is when you’re crying on the bathroom floor of a Honky Tonk:

3. Teri’s Singlehood: Teri is a 26-year-old, unmarried woman, which is nigh on ancient in Evangelical culture. It’s astonishing that it took until she was 26 for her family to start blaming her for being single. In real life, she would have been given a subscription to eHarmony.com every Christmas after her 16th birthday.

Precious Moments: 
Our favorite quotes...
“He looked like a three-year-old in the middle of a tickle war.” [Elise: This is describing an object of sexual attraction...?]
“Suddenly, she realized she wanted pizza, and she wanted it now.” [Elise: evidence why Teri is the best]
“I saw you and Scott in the car just now and it concerned me.” [Angie: I, too, get concerned when I see two single people who are in their late 20’s kissing each other.]
“You’re not my mother, and you’re not the Holy Spirit.”

 Conspiracy Theories:
We tell you what's really going down in Glenbrook.

Elise: Jessica and Teri are actually frenemies. 
Totally genuine BFFs
“ Jessica noticed then that Teri’s thighs were large and not at all in proportion with the rest of her figure. She had hidden her thighs well over the last few days, but today the white slacks did nothing to camouflage them.” -Secrets

“‘Teri tells me you want to go to Mexico with us this weekend.’ Kyle said. Jessica was speechless” - Secrets

“Jessica noticed that Teri didn’t wear a drop of makeup, yet her skin was stunning” - Secrets

Teri: “I really care about you Jess, I don’t want you to go to hell” - Secrets

Teri thinking about Jessica: “She wasn’t a beautiful woman, but she was lovely, with a simple, gentle appearance.” -Whispers

Jessica responding to Teri’s question about “fireworks” in her relationship with Kyle: “Oh there are fireworks...That part of my marriage is between Kyle and me.” -Whispers

Teri, thinking about Jessica: “She wasn't much of a cook, having grown up with servants and chefs.” - Whispers

Angie:  Scott is an aspiring drug trafficker.
So Scott and Dan (Teri’s brother-in-law) have this idea to corporatize Teri’s tamales, a family specialty Teri makes on holidays or for her extra special love interest. At first, it seems as though Scott just has an entrepreneurial spirit and enjoys Mexican cuisine. But there are signs that something far more sinister is afoot. First, we have the Moonfish, Scott’s roommate’s boat which he commandeers all the time to woo Teri with the open ocean and raspberry wine coolers (which she indignantly refuses to drink). We find out later that the boat was, in fact, stolen. Next, Scott mentions he has spent extensive time in South America on “a dig.” That would make a lot of sense if Scott was an archaeologist, a paleontologist or some other –ologist that digs. He is not. He is a former high school football player-turned-bellhop. His interest in Teri is also a little suspect. By her own admission, Teri isn’t the conventionally attractive/Wonder Bread type that Scott dated in high school. Why is he so intent on moving in with her and investing in her business when it’s clear she’s not going to sleep with him any time soon? IT’S BECAUSE HE’S GOING TO STUFF TERI’S TAMALES WITH COCAINE AND RUN DRUGS ON THE MOONFISH. You know what masks the smell of coke so the drug dogs get confused and crave salsa? Teri’s Tamales. Teri’s Friggin’ Tamales.

Final Judgement:
Is it worth the $0.01 on Amazon?

There is actually so much to like about Whispers! First, the moral of this story was less creepy than Secrets. No one had to fundamentally change their belief system to end up together. Instead, Whispers focuses on how easy it is to obsess about a relationship you may not even enjoy, especially if your living in a culture that thinks being unmarried at 26 is bordering on spinsterdom. Teri and Gordon are also great characters. Teri’s bluntness from the first book seem less obnoxious in Whispers because instead of focusing her directness on converting a car-accident victim, she’s using it to call out lame dudes for being lame. Teri also calls douche-bag Scott on his high school racism which was surprising, but amazing to see in 90s Christian romance fiction. Gordon was joyful and goofy, and managed to be the patient love interest waiting on the sidelines without ever falling into "nice guy of OK Cupid" territory. Overall, I give it 4.5 out of 5 cocaine filled tamales!

COMING SOON: ECHOES! In Whispers, Teri's friend Lauren calls to let Teri know that her fiancee dumped her. Echoes follows Lauren's story...and the exact plot of You've Got Mail.



  1. Whispers IRL! http://tinyurl.com/k4l5epl
    Thanks for another great post, RJG sisters!

    1. Ahahaha! That is the best/grossest thing I've ever seen.